The Struggle To Love

The Struggle To Love

I’ll never forget the day I thought about giving Judah up for adoption. The thought dug its way into my mind as we drove down the 405 freeway. The sun gleamed in on us while postpartum hormones shadowed my system with darkness. We were eight days past the epidural and the contractions and the “congratulations” pleasantries. We were eight days into hell.  

The tears fell heavy into my lap that day, and most days after September 11, 2016. They fell with thoughts of fear and dread and hopelessness. They emptied out onto a screaming newborn and found themselves a home each night on my husband’s shoulder. Because the miracle that found its way into our lives seemed a little bit more like an invasion. He was a stranger in our home, an encroachment on our family. 

And I wondered how we got there, how we fought and fought and fought for the baby I then wanted nothing to do with. I wondered if I were crazy and dreaded the thought of a life full of nursing and diaper changes and screams. Because my life, it didn’t resemble anything close to the Pampers commercials or the perfectly constructed Instagram accounts I had flashing across my screens. My life looked more like a blubbery tummy and days old makeup and stitches where stitches shouldn’t be.  

I couldn’t have known then that the baby I struggled to love would eventually take up so much room in my heart. I couldn’t have seen the laughter and the joy and the love that would ensue. Because my heart, it was in a fuzzy haze of sleepless nights and raging hormones. It floundered under the weight of the new responsibility and struggled to find the love that didn’t come as naturally as I thought it would. 

And if I’m honest, I’d tell you that there’s a lot of shame in what I’m saying, but I’m saying it because I know I’m not alone. I’m saying it because it’s real. 

So, to the one who is struggling through postpartum hormones, the one who is sleep-deprived with a screaming baby in your arms, know that it gets better. And though your days may feel heavy and hard and bleak, the light will come again. 

And when it does, it shines so much brighter than it ever did before. I promise. 

Hang in there and know that you are not alone. 

Written By Brittany Calavitta - Mom Together

Disclaimer: Postpartum depression is real. If you are struggling with it, seek help immediately and heal for you, your baby, and your family. 

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